Susiej

I do have a happy ending to all of this Motherhood guilt stuff. I can say it in just a few words; Our kids are bigger people than we give them credit for. Here is the explanation of Motherhood Guilt, Part II.

Think about all of those cute Grandmas you’ve met. Do you really see them moping around about all the mistakes they made with their kids? They don’t do that. They’re happy, and there was a time when they thought they were doing it all wrong too.

What switched? Perspective. Here’s how it happens: I did not have the greatest relationship with my Mom —
in fact, there were times in my life that I distanced myself from her, just so I could stay sane.*

But when she became very, very ill, and I thought I might loose her, her faults, and all of those horrible fights turned into sand that just blew away. All that was left was the love that stood between us. I was actually quite surprised to learn how much I loved her. When my Mom died (and no, she did not regain conscious, and no, I did not get to say I love you to her open eyes), I ached, I lost a Mom. And, I lost my chance to give love back to her. I felt cheated.

I couldn’t explain what I was feeling until I found this beautiful blog, Time Goes By, and it all became crystal clear. Here are the words I found on the entry, Mother’s Final Lesson:
“In her last, most important lesson, Mom gave me the greatest gift of my life: She taught me about my own goodness…. So it was a surprise, while caring for Mom, to realize I was the happiest I had ever been. Not lighthearted or joyous and certainly not carefree, but fulfilled and complete, at one with myself.” (Read her entire entry here, Mother’s Final Lesson)

That was it. I was greiving for the “lost chance” to care for her. But her death did teach me this: our kids are bigger people than we ever imagine. (I am a bigger person than I thought.) Kids do want to be loved, but more than that — they want the opportunity to express their own love, and have it “received.” It’s hard for them to feel free enough to do that when we feel guilty about something they’ve already forgotten.

Just open up – and let them in, so they can love you. That’s the greatest gift we can give our kids.

Books to review:
The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Parenting Without Guilt
Motherhood Without Guilt: Being the Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It
Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps On Giving
A Woman’s Spiritual Retreat: Teaching, Meditations, and Rituals to Celebrate Your Authentic Feminine Wisdom

(*I do not want to belittle the emotional trauma that some Mothers impose on their children – there is a time and a place to do that healing/recovery – and it should be done.)

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