You’ll laugh until you cry
I found this in my in-box, with the above note from my friend. I didn’t write this, but when this makes you laugh until you cry, I’m sure you won’t mind.
To the Brand Manager of P&G’s Always Maxi Pads, who is a Man.
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core ™ or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always.
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We just emailed this to a group of lady friends, many of whom have been acquitted of said mindless slaughters during their menses. They will get the same chuckle we did. Brava!
Nanny Molly
I’ve been trying to be productive in other computing things behind in my lurking. Love love love the pic of your little boys, and your stories about parenting them, you are just a wonderful Mom SusieJ
I’ve had happy periods, I went through recurring miscarriages before being diagnosed with a treatable disorder that enabled me to gestate my daughters, after each micarriage it would take a LOOOOONG time to get my period, I was ecstatic when it returned, so that we could try again.
Menstruating shouldn’t be horribly painful and uncomfortable, there’s amazing herbs that fix us up, and in the old cultures, women bled together in tents while smoking pipes and singing stories, it’s hard to have a happy period when our lives don’t let us slow down the way we probably should at this time.
Did she actually send that letter? It’s hilarious! Once I stopped over-thinking it all, that is :0p
Ciao Ciao SusieJ
Hysterical! I do have something of a sense of the ludicrousness of pad packaging beyond that of most men due to the amount of experimenting I did in finding the perfect model to underlay the Heath Robinson (or is that Robertson?) arrangement of different sized nappies that kept dudelet’s spica cast (vaguely) dry whilst he was in it.
“Have a happy period!” What were they thinking?!?
terrific! I love this post! I have a whole group of ladies who will love this story!
Too funny
We are especially delighted by the Google Ads that are word-driven on this post, among them Anti-Vibration Pads. An excellent idea!
Nanny Molly, you guys are a RIOT.
Rachel, I do know what you’re talking about — it’s just having someone else decide if it’s going to be happy — isn’t it my prerogative
(Un)Relaxed dad: You crack me up.
NannyMolly — I noticed that too.
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